Elisabeth Adams

As a writer, I have to fight the feeling that each article I write must be pretty much the very last word I’ll ever have to say on that topic.

This is a feeling, mind you. A vague, pushy feeling that doesn’t actually make sense when I bring it out into the light of day. Yes, I ought to choose a topic with an aspect I’ve actually lived, then add deep thought, Bible study, and research — not to mention a liberal dose of prayer. But there’s a delicate balance between honest research on one hand, and the fact that I’m a still-growing human being on the other.

As a wise friend said after he previewed “What’s a Guy to Do?” the article will be a success if it simply begins a conversation.

And so it seems to have done.

One of the tricky things about writing an article is that it can appear to others to be my very last word on a subject. In reality, I can only spend a few weeks (or months) in the research and writing process. I have a word limit. And I have to choose a specific focus and audience that may not take in even the full scope of what I had to say at the time I submitted the article.

In the case of “What’s a Guy to Do?” I could have written to both men and women — but the subject was too big and complex for 1200-1600 words.

I could have written about how women can fight lust. After all, this is a human problem, not merely a male one. I hope someone can help you with that. But right now, it’s not me.

I could have discussed the way a perfectly natural feminine desire to belong to someone can quickly translate into an attitude of possessiveness over a man she admires.

I could have explained that lust and coveting are closely related, and appear to be equally serious in God’s sight. In the Bible, desire, lust and coveting can all be translations of a single Hebrew word for the fact that you view something as good and delightful. The moral implications lie in whether the desired object (or person) is yours.

I could have written a list of things for a woman to do when she is tempted to be infatuated, or when she is allowing herself to be led on by a guy who is innocent of any such intention. She could:

• Pray, honestly holding her desires before the Lord with open hands, allowing Him to change her heart as necessary.
• Confront her own wishful thinking, faithfully telling herself the truth.
• Refuse to jump to conclusions about her own feelings, the guy’s intentions, or God’s plan —  viewing her own warm feelings as a call to unselfishness and part of God’s deepening work in her heart, not entitlement; seeing what could be “signals” of romantic intentions as simple kindness until the man states otherwise; taking “signs” and coincidences as just coincidences, unless God clearly indicates otherwise.
• View managing her emotions as part of the maturing process, and good practice for stewardship in other areas of her life.
• Steer her imagination away from actions and desires that aren’t lawful to her today, just as if she was steering a car away from a cliff — which indeed she is doing!
• Run confidently from storms of temptation, right into the only safe haven and truest safeguard for her heart — her Heavenly Father.

I could have mentioned that this not-leading-a-girl-on goal is a learning process, that not even the most upstanding of men always get it right. I might have gently reminded men that barring direct communication, they simply don’t know what is going on in the hearts of the women around them (any more than the women know what is going on in theirs).

I could have written in more detail to the men who think they are too ordinary to lead a girl on. I would have respectfully disagreed, citing real conversations I’ve had with real women who had their hearts hurt by perfectly “ordinary” men. I might have quoted one of the gentlemen whom I interviewed for my article, who said: “I have never had to worry about being extremely attractive to members of the opposite sex in my point of view” — just before he listed the ways he dealt with the women who were extremely attracted to his chivalrous, good-listener, supposedly unattractive self.

At the same time, I could have empathized wholeheartedly with a heartache common to many singles: feeling invisible. It really hurts to be habitually overlooked. People with fascinating minds, kind hearts, and solid characters really do get passed up because they came in a plain package, and people with stereotypically beautiful faces and physiques really do get picked for their packaging instead.

But beautiful people can be just as invisible as the plain.

No, I’m serious. Do you want a person to be fixated on your face, with no real interest in what goes on inside your heart? Yet that is exactly what happens to many of the “beautiful” people. While they are popular, their true friends may be rare, elbowed aside by those who simply want to bask in reflected glory, and to take.

That’s why I keep talking about God’s kingdom way. We have real desires, wants that wrack our hearts and minds. But let the world run after what it can get and gain and take. Meanwhile, we can afford to offer unbiased kindness, and to be considerate about what behavior might trip others up — because God is at work on our needs, because He knows our hearts, because He is the God who sees —

Even “invisible” me.