Elisabeth Adams

Recently, I received this question from a male reader:

“What’s a Guy to Do?” was very enlightening for me and I am thankful that it was posted. However, two quotes in the article seem to contradict each other and it’s making me confused. The following quote included in the article seems to suggest that men should not treat single women as sisters:

I have watched single men treat single women as ‘safe’ because they think of her as a ‘sister.’ She’s not your sister. She has a heart, and quite often it weeps because you are treating her as a sister and not as a woman.

Yet you also cite 1 Timothy 5:1-2, which says that we are to “encourage…older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.” This passage seems to suggest that men should treat single women as sisters.

Should I be treating single women as sisters or not? What is the difference between treating a single woman as a “sister” and treating a single woman as a “woman”?

Good question!

I think the distinction between treating a woman as “safe” because she’s a “sister,” and encouraging her as a sister has to do with the differences between a biological sister and a sister in the Lord. (In fact, I think Paul acknowledges this difference when he modifies his advice to treat women “as sisters” with the phrase “in all purity.”)

Your biological sister has no desire for your romantic attention, so in that sense, she is safe: in other words, she’s immune to being led on by you. To treat a woman who is not your biological sister as “safe,” though, is unfair, because she may desire your romantic attention, and thus is not immune to being hurt by you.

To “treat her like a woman,” then, is to acknowledge the fact that she is the opposite gender from you, that (regardless of your personal taste) she has romantic potential, and that she has desires and feelings that deserve your protection.

To treat a woman as your sister in the Lord is to acknowledge the fact that separate from any romantic potential, you have an existing connection: you’re both children of God (and thus you have a compelling reason not to completely ignore her, any more than you ignore your biological sister).

When you are attracted to a woman, I think there is a natural desire to treasure her feelings. It’s possible, when you are not attracted to a woman, to assume that she will not be attracted to you, and to act carelessly of her heart as a result. This may make her feel invisible, or of little value. I doubt this comes out of conscious unkindness, but it’s still worth considering. You may not know you are stepping on someone’s foot, but it hurts them just the same.

Once you understand that a sister in the Lord won’t have the same feelings a biological sister does, you can be free to focus on all the other great aspects of sibling relationships besides building a one-on-one bond.

But what should that brother/sister in Christ relationship actually look like?

Ah, now that’s the really challenging question. I’d love to hear what others have learned from the Lord, but here’s what I’ve worked out so far:

You are not in a relationship, but you are related to one another. You have a common spiritual heritage and destiny; you are teammates; you support one another in a non-possessive way, a way that focuses on strengthening the team/family as a whole.

Perhaps this is easier for me to visualize, since I come from a large family. It’s true that siblings tend to form clusters or subgroups  according to birth order, life stage, and shared interests, but this is an ever-changing thing, not the permanent formation of exclusive relationships. Ideally, each keeps an eye out for all the other siblings, noticing who feels suffocated or excluded by too much or too little attention. They enjoy their shared interests, yes, but they value, preserve, and prioritize the larger family identity and bond.

What do biological siblings share? Things like accountability and advocacy; empathy, prayer, and practical support in times of trouble; the joy of learning and growing as a group; and modeling godly, unselfish manhood and womanhood to one another.

In short, they live out Jesus’ character — because that’s who really lives inside them, and they live as if each fellow disciple is an integral part of a unified whole — because that is, in fact, what they are: part of the body of Christ, and the family of God.